Before I ever got married, I imagined a life filled with noise. I wanted lots of kids; both boys and girls. When we got pregnant with our first, I knew that I wanted a girl. I remember browsing Target's website looking at baby girl bedding, pink car seats, and cribs that were elegant with flowers. I imagined painting toe nails, braiding hair, dance classes, and all the toys I wanted as a little girl. We would go to the store, and I always dragged Scott into the "girl" toy section. Then we would head to the baby clothes where I would touch every little tiny pink outfit. Pink! I loved pink! I loved dresses, jewelry, and anything sparkly.
We found out really early that we were having a boy; at only 11 weeks pregnant. My dream quickly changed to boy things, and I began browsing the boy toy aisle instead. I began imagining wrestling, soccer games, fighting with swords and guns, playing in the dirt, riding dirt bikes, and building forts to knock down. I became very excited to meet my little boy, and the thought of having a girl first suddenly seemed dreadful.
My dream changed, and I embraced it.
When we became pregnant with number two, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted. My heart still yearned for a little girl, but having brothers sounded like a dream. Then I learned I was having a boy. I was so excited! But I was also disappointed. I didn't even realize that I wanted a girl until the doctor said it was a boy. I felt guilty, and as I drove home in my car crying, I promised myself I would never tell a soul. It was the strangest feeling; mourning the loss of a dream while celebrating another one. As I drove to the store to buy some matching outfits for my boys, I was struck by a thought. If the doctor had said "girl" I would have been equally crushed. Having brothers close together has always been a dream to me, and I got exactly that. So why was I so sad? It occurred to me that in some way we often mourn the gender we didn't get.
Now people continually ask if we are having any more kids. I always respond with, "I would love too, but it's not me you have to convince. Scott says he is done."
Then almost immediately they say, "oh you have to try for a girl."
It doesn't bother me, nor am I offended by this warped perception. I simply nod my head. If we have another baby, it won't be because I want a girl, but because we want a baby. If people try for another baby simply wishing for a desired gender, then they are setting themselves up for failure as a parent no matter what the outcome is.
As I watch my boys wrestle and fight, I can't help but be proud.
I am a mom of boys! It's something I never thought would make me so happy. People don't believe me when I say, "I want another boy." It's a concept that very few understand. The mother-daughter bond is remarkable, but what is even more powerful is the bond of brothers. It melts my heart to watch them genuinely care for each other. I think about my own sisters and the natural understanding we share by simply being the same gender.
For now I am a mom to boys. Will there be a little girl in my future? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know what we will have next, but I know no matter what, I will feel a moment of sadness for the gender I didn't get.
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