Hormones and Balloons

   I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for today to get new inhalers for my asthma.I thought it would be a quick visit so I dragged Lincoln along.

    The nurse took my weight, height and blood pressure and then showed me to my room where she had me sit on a chair covered with paper. As if I was going to sit on that piece of paper for more than 2 minutes! Seriously, even if I didn’t have an almost 2 year old demanding my attention I wouldn’t.

   The moment the nurse left,  Lincoln instantly became bored and I pulled  motorcycles, balls and crackers out of my purse.  After 30 minutes of bouncing a racquetball off the walls, I opened the door and began tapping(more like stomping) my foot  hoping they could hear me.

    They either didn’t hear me or decided to ignore me. My tapping along with Lincoln’s insistent whining wasn’t doing any good. I shut the door and looked around the room for something to do. An ear thermometer dispenser caught my eye. I grabbed out a couple of covers and put them on Lincoln’s fingers. He thought it was hilarious and wanted more. I grabbed enough to put one on every finger.

   I looked at the other glass containers and grabbed some sticks out, cotton balls and soon I brilliantly found the glove box. I blew a glove balloon for Lincoln and he was in heaven.

    After an hour the doctor knocked and came in. About time! He looked at the glove with one raised eyebrow and didn’t say anything.

    “I had to keep him entertained somehow!” and to make my point that I was feeling a little rushed added, “He pooped too!”

    “Oh, that’s no problem for me, I can’t smell a thing and that stuff has never bothered me,” he smiled and sat down in a chair across from me.

    I stared at him a little dumbfounded. I wasn’t really thinking about him, I was thinking more about Lincoln’s butt that was probably already forming a rash.

    I shook my head, ignoring his comment, “I just need to get some more inhalers,” I said hoping to speed up this visit.

    “Of course, of course. Not a problem, but you haven’t been in for two years! You need a Pap smear.” He said smiling and leaning in.

    “I don’t need one of those to breathe, I just need an inhaler.” I said uncomfortably. I hate Pap smears, I feel like I need to prepare myself mentally before I get one.

    He chuckled, continuing “I am also a little concerned about your weight…..” he talked for awhile, I don’t remember what he said I was busy watching Lincoln biting his glove balloon violently.

    “Do you ever feel really hot when everyone else feels cold? Or really cold when everyone else feels hot?” The doctor asked, not noticing my bored glazed look.

    “Sounds like a bad case of menopause. Do I get my inhalers?” I asked standing up and grabbing another glove to blow up.

      He wasn’t impressed at all, but still managed to smile. He left and brought back a team of nurses who took my blood. After they were done, he handed me a giant piece of paper, “I need you to strip down and put this gown on. I’ll be back to give you the Pap smear.”

     “You call this a gown?!” I called after him holding up the square piece of paper. He laughed and shut the door. I undressed and wrapped it around me, which was pointless because Lincoln kept ripping it off.

    Thirty minutes later the Doctor decided to walk in without knocking. I was busy blowing up more glove balloons and my naked butt was facing the door. I jumped and turned myself around clutching the paper to my chest.

    “Oh, I thought you would be ready,” he apologized.

    “I was ready half an hour ago,” I snapped and sat down in the chair.

    The doctor had me put my feet in the stirrups and raised the chair and tilted me back. Lincoln did not like his mom being violated and began crying and screaming, “Mommy!”

    With my body exposed and raised several feet off the ground, the Doctor seemed to find this the perfect moment to tell me my diagnosis.

    “We ran some tests and you have what we call a hyperactive thyroid,” he said doing his work below me.

    “Sounds nice” I grumbled, trying to calm Lincoln from my raised chair.

    “Well, the problem is that it can make it difficult to gain weight,” he continued.

    “Exactly how is that a problem?” I asked with complete seriousness.

    “It can make it difficult or even impossible to have children,” he added

    “Yea?” I glanced over to Lincoln who was now lying on his back screaming with his feet kicking the wall, “I don’t think I’ll be having any more.”

    “The good news is with a few hormones we can regulate it enough to fix the problem!” he said excitedly.

    I looked at him, between my legs, with complete horror “Are you crazy?! Why would I want to fix that? You’re not fixing anything!”

    He finished his job, left me to get dressed and I made my way out the door with all 6 balloons and Lincoln.

    The doctor waved happily to me on my way out, “I already called in your inhaler and hormones to the pharmacy, you should be able to pick them up whenever.”

I smiled and waved, “I have enough hormones thank you.”